update...

i often realize that when i am not updating or contacting any of my friends, i am hermitting [my own word, you can borrow it if you like]. a close friend [erica] pointed out to me once, that whenever i am being a hermit, things are generally going pretty shitty in my life. she has proven her theory [through my actions] time and time again. hmph.the verbal contract i got... well, turned out to be what verbal contracts are made of... NOTHING. i sent the lady my proposal & she backed out. fuck, i was looking forward to being able to pay my bills. oh well, nothing i can do about it now - worrying isn't going to help me [this revelation came to me AFTER days of crying & excessive worrying - better late than never i guess].on a lighter note... i have been taking care of things i CAN control [NOT my financial situation]... such as super-duper house cleaning. i have cleaned all of my windows - inside & OUT [if you have been to my place, you KNOW what a job THAT is], steam cleaned two of the four floors i have been wanting to clean for ages now, re-arranged my bedroom [woo-hoo feng shui!] - it's lovely! i have also been working in my "garden" [i guess you could call it that], making my place a more liveable place to be. i have also been exercising [not so regularly, but vigorously] - strange but true. AND eating healthy - curiouser & curiouser! i am seeing myself slip into my thirties & i am determined to fight it every step of the way [a stranger guessed my age on saturday & it sent me reeling - until recently, i was regularly carded for cigarettes - note to self: do everything in your power to not get old].i have been avoiding the mercury, not really much to tell on the good news front, so i dissappear - i find it difficult to get all corseted & cinched up for the evening when i'm feeling this way. i worry that i cannot pull off my club persona when i get into these situations [so i avoid them - fucking coward]. why the fuck do i feel an need for a "club persona" anyway? it's a goth club for fuck's sake! shouldn't that be a safe haven for the discontent? on a happier note... mat has been lovely as ever & extremely helpful & supportive. we had a wonderful weekend... on friday we went to see an english band @ the crocodile... the divine comedy. it was fabulous - AND i saw some people i used to go to school with - they gave me free coatcheck [awwww... i was so touched by this gesture - it was invariably kind]. i also ran into a friend that i hadn't seen in YEARS... big don [not to be confused with little dawn]. it was great to see him again [he is taller than i remember] - i gave him my card, i hope that he will contact me soon so we can keep in touch [i have to admit, i am utter crap at keeping in touch]. saturday i spent the morning getting my carpets lovely & white again & cleaning all of my windows... whew, i was tired! met up with mat later that afternoon to exercise at the gym [it's amazing how quickly the stamina comes back to you] & then off to his place for an evening of red wine & xbox. FABULOUS! i have blisters on my thumbs... we played dead or alive, i especially enjoyed jumping off tall buildings to kick even more ass!on sunday we relaxed & took a long walk to the beach & all the way around lincoln park. it's funny, i live so close to the ocean but rarely go there; yet every time i go i find it exceedingly theraputic. strange. mental note: go to the ocean more often. today i watched the ghandi movie, i was enthralled, to say the least. it was inspiring [yet simultaneously depressing] to watch, it triggered something in me which made me compare my original goals to my current goals. vast differences. i have strayed far from my original intentions. hmph. need to work on that.